Therapy for Relationship Difficulties in Lafayette and Online throughout California
Having some kind of difficulty in any relationship is almost a given.
We learn from and grow through our relationship stress and fallouts.
That being said, there are special considerations to think about when we look at our relationships (family, social, work, and any other type) from the mental health lens.
Family of Origin (FOO) Issues
We all carry templates on how relationships should look based on our previous experiences, especially in our early childhood years. Based on the relationships we have with our primary caregivers early in life, we develop our attachment styles. With the addition of our lived experiences and observations throughout our lives, we develop specific patterns in our relationships. Primarily by unconscious forces, we keep repeating these patterns that give us the same results for the most part.
These attachment styles and patterns, when they stay unchecked and not worked on intentionally with the help of a professional such as a therapist, frequently cause us relational stress, turmoil, heartache, and even health concerns (physical and mental). But how does this unconscious and very complex phenomenon even happen?
Recreating unresolved conflicts
When we have unresolved/unattended relationship difficulties with our main attachment figures, such as our caregivers in early childhood, we tend to pick and develop relationships with people who have similarities with those people with who we had unresolved conflict or trauma. With this unconscious process, we re-create a situation and believe (with no conscious awareness of it) that this time, we will make it work. Well, it doesn’t work in the end because the problem did not belong there anyway. But we keep trying and create a pattern of relationship difficulties in our lives. With that, we enforce the negative core beliefs we developed about ourselves, others, and the world.
“I am not lovable.”
“I’m not worthy.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“Everyone leaves me in the end.”
“I’m all alone.”
“I cannot trust anyone but myself.”
“I’m a failure.”
“The world is a dangerous place.”
Do those statements sound familiar? In therapy, these negative core beliefs can be challenged both by a cognitive process and through the client-therapist relationship, in which the client feels seen fully and still accepted fully and cared for by the therapist. A good fit between the client and the therapist is important for this process to occur throughout the therapy process naturally.
Healing in relationships
Just like the relationship between the client and the therapist can be healing itself, so can our healthy relationships in general. By increasing our awareness of our core negative beliefs about self, our attachment wounds from early childhood, and our patterns through the help of therapy, we can start choosing our intimate partners and close friends differently and start acting differently in these relationships instead of reacting based on our past difficulties. Every day in my office, I help people to tolerate vulnerability and show up more authentically in relationships, making it more possible for them to heal and thrive in their relationships with their loved ones and live a more intentional and joyful life. These corrective lived experiences, thanks to neuroplasticity, become the new norm, creating the foundation of a fulfilled life.
