Therapy for Adults in Lafayette and Online throughout California
You would like to:
Learn to say no
Fulfill your dreams
Reduce your anger
Want to feel belong
Move on from the past
…the list goes on.
Manage your life better
Feel better and happier
Improve your relationship
Forgive someone or yourself
Go back to work/change your career
Make significant changes in your life
Understand yourself and/or others better
Adjust to being a parent or to an empty nest
Help your child adjust to changes or heal from trauma
Reduce your stress level (or the effects of stress in your life!)
The Steps to Change
Therapy can be a solution to many different issues. I am here to help you reach your goals. You don't have to be alone working on this difficult task of recreating the life that you would like to live.
The formula of change, in the most simplified form, includes three steps:
Awareness (of the problem, which happens on autopilot)
Intention (to change it)
Practice (of the new way, establishing new neural pathways, aka establish the new autopilot route)
I meet people in their journey of change during either of these steps or before the awareness, which might be called “the suffering phase.” I meet them where they are at and support them for the rest of the journey. Sometimes the hardest and but usually the longest part being the third step of change (practice), I am here to keep your awareness and intention alive, so you continue to feel motivated to practice. I also make many creative suggestions for ways of practicing, so the journey is never boring and you are never alone.
Sandtray Therapy with Adults
I incorporate sand tray work with children and teens and with my adult clients. I have an extensive collection of figurines that are open on display and can be used freely while we are doing sand tray work with my adult clients.
Engaging our senses and tapping into our unconscious tends to have a very powerful effect on our awareness of self and our circumstances, unresolved issues from our pasts, and our current choices in life, which will inform our future in unintentional ways.
Offering sand tray work and guiding and supporting my clients’ process is one of my favorite ways of seeing the “a-ha moments” in therapy and shifting psychies in action. Sand tray has a unique way of bypassing our defense mechanisms and making the unknown known to us. It is an honor to witness my client’s process of change in whatever venue we chose, including the sand tray work.
Perfectionism
Many clients who hear me commenting on their perfectionist tendencies say, “I’m not a perfectionist; I cannot do anything perfect.” The definition of perfectionism has nothing to do with doing things perfectly (there is no such thing anyway).
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, perfectionism is a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable. Perfectionists are almost never happy with their performance, achievements, or behavior. They also want things to be better.
When I challenge this notion, the common reaction is, “What is wrong with wanting things to be better?” Nothing is wrong with wanting things to be better, except when the notion creates suffering. There is a difference between wanting things to be better while truly accepting how things are now versus being critical of ourselves and others because things are not already better. Here are the examples of how perfectionist people talk to themselves:
Here are examples of how perfectionist people talk to themselves:
“You’re pathetic!”
“You’re a failure!”
“You’re not good enough!”
“What is wrong with you? You cannot do anything right!”
If you had a friend who kept talking to you like this, would you stay friends with this person? Is this helpful? Would this motivate you to do better? Or make you feel anxious and depressed? Perfectionism is a very powerful catalyst for anxiety and depression.
If you have perfectionist tendencies, now think about how you would talk to a friend who was being hard on themselves.
“It’s ok, you worked hard and you’re human”
“There is no such thing as perfect; you’re being hard on yourself.”
“Let’s focus on what you already accomplished and what you learned from this process.”
“You are awesome the way you are!”
This is not only more supportive but also more motivating, right?
One of the biggest parts of self-growth and healing is learning to talk to ourselves like we would talk to a loved one. This is called Self-Compassion, which sounds simple but is absolutely one of the hardest things to do. But when we are able to make this change, it is definitely life-altering.
I am a perfectionist in recovery. And I am here to tell you, you’re enough and worthy of love and respect. Until you are able to believe this, I am here to hold you and treat you with the acceptance and respect you deserve.
Another important and related concept is Radical Acceptance. Simply put, radical acceptance means accepting our emotions, thoughts and circumstances as they are. It means accepting the reality we are in, even when that reality includes pain or discomfort. Radical acceptance is letting go of the illusion of control, noticing and accepting things just as they are, without judgment. When we have feelings about our feelings, we suffer. When we don’t accept our reality, we suffer. Pain and discomfort are inevitable, they are part of life. Suffering, on the other hand, is optional.
You will feel uncomfortable when you are on your journey of taming your perfectionism, improving your self-compassion, and practicing radical acceptance. Fear and discomfort during this journey are expected. It is essential to understand that the fear and discomfort we feel when doing something we are not supposed to do is different from the fear and discomfort we feel when doing something outside of our comfort zone. Simply asking yourself, “Am I actually doing something wrong, or am I feeling uncomfortable because I am stepping out of my comfort zone?” will help to distinguish them.
If you would like to read more about Perfectionism, Self-compassion, and Radical Acceptance, I highly recommend the following books on these subjects:
The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown, Ph.D.
Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff, Ph.D.
Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach, Ph.D.
Using Motivational Interviewing (MI) to accelerate change
Using Motivational Interviewing (MI) can be very helpful with a variety of issues where clients are ambivalent about change. MI reduces resistance and empowers clients to take steps for change. Even though MI evolved from experience in the treatment of substance related issues, it works by accelerating any kind of change you might be interested in making in your own life, as well as by engaging people who are hesitant about or resistant to seeing a therapist in the first place.
